Do you find yourself overnight in Denver near the airport? Did you miss your flight? Was it canceled entirely? Why did you book your tickets on Spirit? Are you now hungry? Well, do not fret! Flyin’ Brian has eaten at every establishment in the Tower Road vicinity so you needn’t roll the dice on digestion.

Tower Road is a built up area of hotels and a handful and a half of restaurants and fast-food joints to support the many guests in the area. The vast majority of them are national chains, so you will already have some idea of what you’re getting yourself into, but I have taken this into account and reviewed them based on this specific locale.

Let’s start with an overview of what we’re looking at. There are about eight places to choose from unless you start including food that’s actually made at the hotels (which I don’t). Your options are McDonalds, MOD Pizza, PHO 92, BurgerIM, Jersey Mike’s, Ruby Tuesday, Renegado Tacos, and DiCicco’s Italian. The options are not vast, but this may help you quickly narrow down your choice.

1) McDonald’s. The Golden Arches. Mickey D’s. McDo. Macca’s. The House of Grimmace. There is perhaps no place more internationally recognized as a fast food. And yet, the McDonald’s on Tower Road is a little bit different than your average Macky. The ordering experience is entirely automated, so you never need to have awkward human interactions. That’s so 2019. You can order using your phone and scanning a QR code or using the touch-screens (hand sanitizer provided). Payment is processed through Google or Apple Pay, or something called an Arches card, which I presume is only used by people who have an unhealthy relationship with Big Macs. Your order is then brought to your table or called out for takeaway. I have been here three times and my order has been wrong on two of them. I would say that’s just my luck, but it seemed to be more common than not. I observed many people approaching the pickup counter to indicate they were missing some sort of McItem from their order. The food quality and taste is consistent with other McDonald’s around America in that it is . . . quite poor. It is cheap, however, and therefore decent value for money. 3 Stars.

2) MOD Pizza. MOD stands for Made-On-Demand and you can gather the general vibe based on that. Think Chipotle, but add pizza and take away the E. Coli and salmonella outbreaks and you get a MOD Pizza. You can choose from the array of favorites such as meat-lovers or margherita, or start from scratch. You add your ingredients (of which many seemed to not exist at press time) and then wait for just a few minutes while your pizza is baked in the oven. Pizza is generally a very difficult thing to screw up, so MOD Pizza is a fairly safe bet and is not likely to disappoint. But for those same reasons, it isn’t going to blow you away because you will likely get exactly what you expected — particularly since you were the one dictating the ingredients on your pizza. 4 Stars.

3) PHO 92. This is really the odd one out on Tower Road. Whereas all the others cater to a distinctly American palette, PHO 92 has gone rogue by specializing in SouthEast Asian cuisine. Not surprisingly their focus is pho, the venerable Vietnamese soup usually consisting of noodles and meat. Those looking for more than pho can get such favorites as Pad Thai, a variety of curries, or banh mi sandwiches. My chicken curry was by far the most flavorful dish I have had on Tower Road. Service was friendly and efficient. It is a welcome divergence from the numerous American chains on the road and there is good value for money. 5 Stars.

4) BurgerIM. Did you know it’s actually not Burger “I.M.”, but pronounced all together as “burgerim”? Now you know. It’s an Israeli burger chain that has expanded to the states. Evidently the corporate owner has faced numerous lawsuits for predatory practices and deceiving its franchisees. That detail will not be taken into account for my review, but Wikipedia told me so. The atmosphere is casual with a metallic-styled bar area where one can order a local ale if one chose. Burgers are either regular size or can be purchased as a duo or trio of sliders. This can be good for someone looking to try some more eclectic flavors without committing to a full-size burger. The quality of the burger is the best you will find on Tower Road. You can also get chicken sandwiches and milkshakes, though I can’t speak to those. Prices are a bit higher, but as previously mentioned, the quality is there to match. And unlike McDonald’s or Ruby Tuesday down the street, the workers have the foresight to add ketchup packets to takeaway orders with fries. 4 Stars.

5) Jersey Mike’s. This is a tough one for me. It essentially delivers exactly what you would expect. It’s a nationwide chain that is consistent, but for me that’s exactly what’s wrong with it. Jersey Mike’s as a brand really prides itself on slicing the meat in front of you and giving you more than you ever actually want. There is such a thing as too much meat and it’s not a part of Jersey Mike’s training. Lacking as well at this particular location is basic food hygiene. Oftentimes workers will go from handling money at the register to making a sandwich without a change in gloves. At these times! Furthermore, as far as sandwich places go, Jersey Mike’s is at the bottom for me. Why? Lack of options. Sure they have about 15 different sandwiches, but it’s really just one or two sandwiches with slight variations. There are no chicken options, particularly missed is chicken salad. Nor are there many options for toppings including such deli staples as honey mustard. So while they will give you more meat than you want, the sandwiches are typically flavorless even after going “Mike’s Way,” where the worker pours a quart of vinegar onto the sandwich as if your Turkey and Provolone is being interrogated at Guantanamo Bay. They then put other unknown seasonings on it that will all be lost in the resulting taste which is somehow just capicola, a meat you didn’t even ask for. Paying over $10 for a sandwich that I end up removing multiple layers of meat from is just inefficient. The banh-mi sandwiches at Pho 92 are better tasting and cheaper. Go there instead. 2 Stars.

6) Ruby Tuesday. It is one of those classic American restaurants from a bygone era that somehow still exists on Tower Road. I myself am a bit surprised that it hasn’t closed already, but on Tower Road you are a captive of your surroundings. Perhaps this location does better than elsewhere in the country as a result. Even in bright midday sun, this restaurant is eerily dark inside — reminiscent of the gloomy 1980s when people could presumably smoke indoors and buy cigarettes at the entrance. Honestly, I don’t think the carpet has changed since the 80s, which is a feat considering the Denver Airport wasn’t even completed until the mid 1990s, during which time Tower Road didn’t even exist. In any event, the food is about as average as you can get. My burger was close to flavorless. I am going to say something shocking — McDonald’s is a better choice . . .and cheaper. Much like the aging Ruby Tuesday brand, its food has not evolved. While its menu is varied and includes things like steaks, chicken, and pastas, they aren’t really good at doing any of them. I guess their one thing that sets them apart is their insistence on trying to make a salad bar a thing. Who’s doing a salad bar anymore? Furthermore, you thought Jersey Mike’s had hygiene issues. Did you know salad bars are superspreaders of E. Coli? And it’s not just the sharing of tongs that will get you. The FDA has no regulatory guidance for salad bars, so Ruby Tuesday is likely taking their unused produce that’s been sitting out all day and dishing it out the next day. Judging by the looks of the salad bar, and their conscious choice to keep the lights dim, that’s exactly what they’re doing. 1 Star.

7) Renegado Tacos (And Margaritas). Not a chain! That’s exciting. I was admittedly going to completely bypass this establishment because I felt it to be woefully overpriced for a la carte tacos. With that being said, I am on assignment and am therefore obliged to bite the bullet . . .and the taco. The interior is more like a bar than a restaurant. Concrete floors pervade the inside, though there is a nicer seating area outside with strung lights. I tried two of their tacos — one fajita steak, and the other some sort of citrus cilantro chicken. They were tender, juicy, and of good quality. They were, however, quite small. They are technically closer in size and style to a proper Mexican taco than something you might find at Ruby Tuesday, but the price doesn’t really match the size. Each taco at Renegado is at least $6 with fancier toppings like seafood costing upwards of $8. You can’t make a meal out of any less than two, so it adds up fast. Considering that at the end of the day it’s a glorified dive bar, your value for money is going to be worse here than anywhere else. A quality taco can’t really save that. 3 Stars.

8) DiCicco’s Italian. This is one of the most bizarre restaurants I have ever set foot in. The atmosphere is heavily taken into consideration in this review. With that out of the way, the food is typical Americanized Italian food. Large portions, generous amounts of sauce, and various combo platters are at your disposal. It is more similar to the Olive Garden than to a proper Italian ristorante. Its windowless, multi-level dining is certainly unique. A large screen is the focal point of the dining area, where entire DVDs of live concerts or music videos are typically shown. Over the course of multiple visits, I have seen Celine Dion music videos from the 90s, Elvis in concert in Hawaii in 1973 (think sweaty and fluffy), and Andrea Bocelli performing in Las Vegas. If you are of advanced age, the selections will probably really hit their mark, but will at least amuse anyone under the age of 40. The overdone decor of white columns and statues is more reminiscent of New Jersey than of Italy, but anyone who has been to Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas will appreciate it. The food? Heavy. Pricey. Plentiful. Excessive red sauce on everything. You will leave feeling like you have a rock in your stomach. With all of that being said, the unique environment earns it an extra star. 4 Stars.

Conclusion? That depends on your interests. I could probably create a 10-question flow chart that would point you to your spirit restaurant like a click-bait article on Buzzfeed. Do you have tattoos or piercings? Go to BurgerIM or Renegado Tacos. Did you have too many children? McDonald’s or MOD pizza. College student or living in a cosmopolitan area? PHO 92. Do you possess a sarcastic or ironic sense of humor? DiCicco’s is where you want to be. Do you think America peaked sometime in the 1970s or found yourself at the capitol on Jan. 6, 2021? Ruby Tuesday hands down. Whatever your interests may be, there is maybe something that will not completely disappoint you on Tower Road. If you go to Yelp, you will find that nothing gets great marks. It is my recommendation however to not look at those reviews because you, the tired weary traveler, have no choice, and it’s perhaps best not to know. But thanks to this handy guide from Flyin’ Brian, you’re already ahead of the game. Best of luck, and careful at that salad bar.